yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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