We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
