After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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