Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
