Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
