Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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