everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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