Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
