I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
