the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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