Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
