I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
