I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
