worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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