I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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