That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
