There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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