My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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