Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
