I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
