I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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