Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
