I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
