I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Also, beer. Big fan.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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