Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize