Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
