I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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