That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
