I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize