I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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