Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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