I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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