Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
