I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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