So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
