I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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