Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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