Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
