I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He did a backflip because drugs
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
