you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
