If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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