Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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