when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
