can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
