I can text with my tongue
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
