Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize