Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
