you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
