Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
