I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
