She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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