Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
