When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize