It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
did you just send me my own nude
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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