I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
