and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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