Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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