If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
