I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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