don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
