I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he thought i was a dude.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
