i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize