tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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